Day Three: Though Hearts Break

Day Three
Though Hearts Break

"I'm sorry."

That was the seventh time today she had heard him say that, and she had had enough. She folded her arms and glared at him, brown eyes flashing with anger. Her voice was tight, and icy enough to put a night out on Hoth to shame. "Don't - say that - again."

Anakin's face was that of a lost little boy. "I'm -" He stopped himself and started again. "I won't."

The anger in Padmé's eyes melted into hot tears. She gasped out choked sobs and rubbed viciously at her eyes.

It tore Anakin's heart - he had never seen his angel in so much pain. When his mother died, Padmé had been his support and comfort. And though he was grieving as much as she was, he now supported and comforted her.

It wasn't support or comfort when he apologized to her. But he couldn't cleanse his heart of the guilt.

Or the hate.

Just yesterday morning, he had been excited as he told Padmé about his dreams for Beltaine. Now, there was no more excitement, no more dreams. What had once been an opportunity was now a vast, albeit confining, prison. He hated Beltaine. Here, his firstborn - no, first child, not firstborn - had died.

"I hate it!" he finally shouted.

Padmé's look through her tears was questioning.

"This!" he shouted, turning away and waving his arm as if to encompass the entire planet. "This whole stupid world! I hate it!"

"What are you going to do: destroy it like you destroyed those Tuskens?" Padmé challenged, her voice acidic.

Anakin turned back to her, blue eyes dark and wildly storming. How dare she?

"Don't you look at me that way, Anakin Skywalker," Padmé warned, her voice fully a Queen's.

"Don't ever mention those Tuskens again, Padmé Naberrie," he returned, his frigid tone belying the roiling anger and hurt inside. "You hear me? Never."

Padmé couldn't help but wonder how they would survive if they'd be at each other's throats like this.

Then Anakin began to cry. He sat down hard beside her, and she pulled his head to rest on her shoulder. Yesterday, he had comforted her - now it was his turn.

"Ani," she said softly, "the baby's in heaven. He - and your parents - are in heaven. You have to believe that. God's in control."

Anakin's heart rebelled violently. "What kind of loving God would let an unborn child die?"

Padmé paused, drawing her answer from her deepest, oldest convictions. "The same God who wept with two sisters at the tomb of their brother - the same God who brought that brother back to life." Padmé felt her spirit grow calmer as she spoke her beliefs. "There's a reason for everything, Anakin, but we won't know all the reasons until we reach heaven. And even then, we won't know all of them. We just have to trust in God, that He knows what He's doing."

Padmé's voice began to calm Anakin's grief-wracked soul. He didn't share his wife's faith. She had to believe for both of them. He just couldn't trust God like that, not yet.

She began to sing softly:

For the young abandoned husband
Left alone without a reason
For the pilgrim in the city where
there is no home
For the son without a father
For his solitary mother
I have a message
He sees you, He knows you
He loves you, He loves you

Every heart that is breaking tonight
Is the heart of a child that He
holds in His sight
And oh how He longs to hold
in His arms
Every heart that is breaking tonight

For the precious, fallen daughter
For her devastated father
For the prodigal who's dying
in a strange new way
For the child who's always hungry
For the patriot with no country
I have a message
He sees you, He knows you
He loves you, Jesus loves you

Every heart that is breaking tonight
Is the heart of a child that He
holds in His sight
And oh how He longs to hold
in His arms
Every heart that is breaking tonight

It was only late afternoon, but Anakin slept on his wife's shoulder. Padmé hummed for a few more minutes before she, too, fell asleep. Physically and emotionally exhausted, they slept till the next morning.

~*~

"Master Obi-Wan, share I do your anxiety. But permit you to go, I cannot."

Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi were in the Jedi Temple, in the Room of a Thousand Fountains. Obi-Wan leaned forward from his seat on a stone, his normally mild blue eyes intense. "Master, that boy is my Padawan. My responsibility. At the risk of sounding like Qui-Gon, I am going, regardless of what anyone says."

Master Yoda huffed, frustrated.

"You felt the tremors in the Force," Obi-Wan continued. "Many Masters did. Whatever has happened to Anakin and Pa - Senator Amidala - is very serious. They haven't contacted us in nearly four days!"

"Afraid are you, Obi-Wan?"

And that was the ugly truth: Obi-Wan Kenobi was very afraid. If something were to happen to Padmé - not only so soon after their wedding but so soon after Shmi's death - who knew how Anakin would react, what he would do. Neither Anakin nor Padmé had given any details on what had happened after Shmi's death, but Obi-Wan didn't need the Force to tell that something had gone very, very wrong. "Yes," he answered frankly.

Yoda sighed.

Obi-Wan had a sudden flash of memory.

"Qui-Gon's defiance I sense in you. Need that, you do not... Agree with you, the Council does. Your apprentice, Skywalker will be."

The Jedi Knight shook his head.

"Master Yoda, if Obi-Wan doesn't go find Anakin, I will," said a familiar female voice. Obi-Wan twisted around on his stone to see an equally familiar female come out from behind a cluster of shrubs over to them.

"Siri!" Obi-Wan exclaimed.

"Master Siri," Yoda sighed, shaking his head, "too old you are to be eavesdropping."

Siri Tachi shrugged and managed to bite back a grin. "I didn't mean to. I was reading back there when you two came in. I'd have to be deaf not to hear you."

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes and suppressed his mirth.

"I mean it, though," she continued. "What I said about finding Anakin. I felt those tremors, too. Whatever happened to Anakin and the Senator was very, very bad."

Obi-Wan nodded slowly. "I'd be most grateful for your assistance, Siri."

Yoda eyed the two Jedi Knights. "In the midst of a war, we are. To spare two Knights to search for one Padawan and one Senator, difficult would be."

"With both of us looking, it shouldn't take that long," Obi-Wan reasoned.

"Besides," Siri added, her voice slightly tight, "if we can't spare ourselves to help those to whom we have a responsibility, we're no better than the Separatists."

Obi-Wan wanted to say, "Wow, Siri, that was profound," but he thought better of it.

"Very well," Yoda conceded. "Go, you may. But quick you must be."

Obi-Wan stood, and both Knights bowed. "Yes, Master," they said in unison.

"May the Force be with you."

~*~

In the hall, Obi-Wan turned to Siri, noting that she no longer wore her characteristic brown unisuit but cream-colored traditional Jedi attire. "Thank you for the help, Siri."

His tone was not very warm at all, but Siri knew his voice well, and this was a little too warm for her comfort. She turned to him and jabbed her finger in his face. "Look, Kenobi, I'm doing this for Anakin, not you." She spun on her heel and strode off, her blond hair bouncing with each step.

Obi-Wan quirked a smile after her. "Yes, Ma'am," he said softly.

"Every Heart That Is Breaking"
Words and Music by Twila Paris
Album: FOR EVERY HEART

Day Two: Hopes Live and Die

Spoiler Warning:

The second half of the chapter deals with a miscarriage - probably not for younger children.

Quick Note:

This will make it two chapters in one week. I posted this second one so that my cousins could read it sooner.

Acknowledgments:

Lots of thanks to my beta-reader for getting back with me so quickly for my first chapter. You’re the greatest!

The idea for this chapter and the crux of the first part of this book came from two of Darth Ishtar’s (theForce.net) fanfics: “Heartache on My List” and The Other Half, Part 2: The Dying of the Light.

Day Two

Hopes Live and Die

And we all dream our cherished dreams

And we hope for and long for

So many things…and

Until the day we see His face

We will never know all the whys

But the questions we carry will be erased

When we see the love in His eyes

And the hands that hold our hopes and dreams

Will reach out to welcome us Home

But for now we can know

That we never really dance alone

- Joanna Carlson, “Never Dance Alone”

Their camp was near the edge of a vast lake. On the distant side, mountains rose majestically to touch the gauzy pink clouds of dawn.

The Skywalkers had woken early. After bundling Padmé against the same tree, Anakin set to making breakfast. Strangely, Padmé was hurting today more than yesterday, but she hadn’t told Anakin that yet.

“You want pancakes?” he asked her.

Padmé exhaled a disbelieving laugh. “Ani, we need to be rationing this stuff,” she reminded him. “You shouldn’t be getting fancy.”

Anakin cocked his head. “You weren’t complaining about it last night.”

“I didn’t remember last night. Just make something simple – I’ll be okay.”

Anakin gave her a thoughtful once-over and nodded. “If you say so.”

Padmé turned her attention to the sun rising over the trees. It was beautiful. She was so absorbed in it that Anakin had to wave his hand in front of her face. “He-llo? Coruscant to Padmé – come in, Padmé.”

She turned back to him and gave him a dazzling smile. “Yes, husband mine?”

Anakin held up a bowl of porridge. Atop the porridge were two eggs and a piece of bacon to create a smile. Padmé rolled her eyes. “Ani!”

“Hey, don’t forget you’re eating for two now, Mama-girl,” he teased. Then he stopped and frowned in mock contemplation. “I wondered why you were eating so much at that reception.”

“Anakin!”

“Open up.”

Padmé rolled her eyes again and obeyed. After the first bite, she looked beyond Anakin at the cooking gear. “Where’s your breakfast?”

Anakin looked down, suddenly fascinated with the scuff-marks on his boots.

“Oh, Anakin, you need to eat, too!”

“Not necessarily!” he protested. “I’m a Jedi – I use the Force. I can go for a couple days without food. I’m not the one who really needs to eat.”

“Anakin –”

“No, Padmé,” he said, his voice suddenly firm and commanding.

Padmé stared at him in surprise: she had never heard that tone of voice before. Before… well, she was the elder of them, and the wiser, and he generally listened to her. To have those positions suddenly switched felt awkward, but it felt right at the same time. He was the head of their family. She slowly nodded her submission.

“Anyway,” began Anakin, his voice softening, “I’m going to start hunting for meat and searching for edible plants. It could be weeks before someone comes for us, so I have to be planning for the meantime.”

Padmé voiced the fear that both had secretly held. “What if no one ever comes?”

Anakin locked eyes with her, his blue gaze electrically intense. “Then we start over – here.”

That was the last thing Padmé had expected to hear. “What?”

“Padmé, we can do it. Start a new life for ourselves here. This area is rich in resources. We can build ourselves a log cabin, grow a garden, raise a big family… We can do it.”

“Anakin!” Padmé exclaimed, incredulous.

His eyes took on a distant look as he stared out across the lake. “And when we have a lot of kids, we can go mining for metals, and shape them… Maybe someday, our kids will have built something space-worthy, and our family will be free again.” He returned his attention to her, childlike excitement in his eyes. “We can build our own civilization, right here on the edge of the Unknown Regions.” Then, as if it had just hit him: “I can even start our own Jedi Order!”

Laughing still hurt, but Padmé did it anyway. “Anakin Skywalker – you…!” She laughed again. “You’re crazy, Skywalker!”

Anakin pretended to be taken aback. “Really, Padmé, I’m hurt.”

Padmé shook her head, still grinning. “The craziest part is that I think you could be right.”

Anakin’s grin lit up the camp. He stood up, ignited his lightsaber, and raised it high. “I claim this land forever to be the Skywalkers’!” he declared, half-playfully, half-seriously. “And we’ll call it…” He closed his eyes, searching for a good name. “Beltaine.”

“Beltaine?”

“That’s what they called the first of May in Erin,” Anakin explained. “Gilraen told me that.”

“Erin… that was the name for ancient Ireland, wasn’t it?”

Anakin nodded. “I’d say that it’s about regional May right now – it looks like mid-spring.”

Padmé nodded her agreement. “Beltaine – I like it.”

Anakin dramatically brandished his saber in the air. “King and Queen Skywalker do hereby forever name this world Beltaine.”

“Am I supposed to cheer?” Padmé asked dryly.

Anakin stared at her. “Very funny.”

~*~

Padmé was worried. It was late afternoon, and she had been discharging blood little by little all day. By lunchtime, she’d told Anakin, and now he was worried, too. Neither of them voiced the fear that the baby would die – neither wanted to concede the possibility.

Suddenly, Padmé felt a sharp pain in her abdomen. “Anakin!” she cried.

He flew to her side, his face white. “I know,” he whispered.

Tears welled up in her wide brown eyes and rolled down her face. “I think… I think…”

Anakin pressed his finger to her lips. “I know,” he repeated, his own tears falling. He pressed his wife’s trembling body against his own in a tight embrace.

“Oh, Anakin… Anakin…”

“Padmé, I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.” I didn’t check the ship before we left to see if it was sabotaged. If I had, we never would have crashed. If we hadn’t, our baby wouldn’t be – wouldn’t be…

They cried together.

~*~

It was over by nightfall.

Padmé had cried herself to sleep.

It was midnight, and Anakin couldn’t sleep. Not wanting to disturb his wife, he left the tent and stood out at the water’s edge, trying to let the mountain night breeze calm him. But no calm came.

He felt racked with guilt and loss. Anger festered in his tortured heart.

Like when his mother died.

As his shoulders began to shake again, he put his left hand over his mouth, then moved it up to cover his eyes. God, why? Why did You take our child? He was just a baby – why did You…

The father collapsed to his knees in a storm of tears and pounded the ground so hard that his whole mechno arm hurt. He welcomed the pain, tried to concentrate on it than on the pain in his soul.

He had felt the baby die. It had been like a light going out, both inside Padmé’s womb and inside Anakin’s own heart. He had been powerless to stop it. Why couldn't I save him?

"Sometimes there are things no one can fix... You're not all-powerful Anakin."

"Well, I should be. Someday, I will be the most powerful Jedi ever! I promise you: I will even learn to stop people from dying!"

Anakin turned back to the tent. "I'm sorry, Padmé. We will survive this. We will get another chance... I promise."

Some things we can't change

No matter how hard we've tried

And we've failed

Seems there's nothing to do but endure

Life is not easy

And pain is no stranger

And we're constantly faced

With the choice to embrace or to run

Oh but there's strength when we run in

To Love's faithful arms

And we find hope again... and

Until the day we see His face

We will never know all the whys

But the questions we carry are gonna be erased

When we see the love in His eyes

And the hands that hold our hopes and dreams

Reach out to welcome us Home

But for now we can know

That we never really dance alone

- “Never Dance Alone”